At the wee hours of the night when everyone is sleeping, I am feeling empty again. That feeling that I just want to die because literally, I no longer know what I am here for. Do I sound like an ungrateful bitch for having a comfortable life? Yes, I am ungrateful for I know that millions of people out there keep praying that they may live a longer life, thousands of people are struggling because of COVID-19 and severely ill people who want to get better from their sickness, yet I am here wishing for my life to end. :(
Honestly, if I could only give my life to anyone who wants it, I would definitely do so. Of course, I am very thankful to God that I have lived a comfortable life. I also know that this life is a gift but like all other God-given gifts must be put to its potential use. And sadly, I am failing at that point.
I did, I really did try to make my life to good use. I tried my best to help others; some have abused it and even make me look bad. It broke my heart but it is never the only reason why I am feeling this way.
When my mother passed away 3 years ago, I lost half of myself. I literally struggled to find my purpose on this Earth. Until now, I feel like her loss is still a huge part of my current struggle. I used to work very hard because I had to support her medical expenses as she has diabetes which caused a lot of complications. For almost 10 years, I worked hard to support my parents because I want to give them a good and comfortable life. I did everything I could to make my parents proud of me despite not being able to graduate from college (which was my greatest failure to them). So I did everything I know that will make my parents especially my mother to be happy and proud of me.
I love my mother but I no longer cry because of her passing. I have accepted that she's gone for good but until now, I still don't know what I am here for. I have used to having her as my reason for living, my reason to work hard. And when she's gone, my purpose of living is gone.
I am someone difficult to understand. I am not writing this so people could understand. I could not even understand myself, how much more if I expect others to do so? I wanted to try getting a boyfriend but I guess I am so picky as hell. I am not even that pretty or sexy, but my lack of confidence has stopped me from believing that someone may even like me.
I want to have a family of my own. I have 8 nephews and nieces whom I love with all my heart. I tried to make myself busy in taking care of them but damn these pesky feelings. I still feel that I am just forcing myself into their lives. SELF PITTY I know, I know. But I can't take it away to feel it sometimes. I really tried my best to whisk away these kinds of feelings but you know, my subconscious is right. Nakiki-amot lang kog love and belongingness from them.
I don't know what I am here for... Is it too much to ask God to take away this gift of life and give it to someone else who needs it most?
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